Ah, the glamorous life of a trial attorney. Picture this: striding into the courtroom like a modern-day gladiator. Armed with a briefcase full of legal wizardry. A sharp suit that could slice through objections. Charisma that turns juries into putty.
I’m talking about me, of course. The handsome, successful trial attorney who’s won more cases than I’ve lost socks in the laundry.
But here’s the kicker: while I’m out battling corporate dragons and securing justice, back home I’m not the king of the castle. No, sir. That throne belongs to two sausage-shaped overlords with floppy ears. They have an attitude that screams, “Bow down, peasant.”
Welcome to my world. “Achieving Dog Status” isn’t just a catchy blog title. It’s my daily survival strategy.
I’m married to the most gorgeous, hot wife a guy could dream of. Let’s call her Shahin (because that’s her name). She’s too busy spoiling the dogs to read this anyway.
Shahin is a vision: long legs, killer smile, a laugh that could melt butter. She’s successful in her own right. A marketing whiz who turns brands into sensations. But her true passion? Our two Dachshunds, Bentley and Simba.
Yes, those are their names. No, I didn’t choose them. Yes, they rule the household with tiny iron paws.
Royal Treatment: When Dogs Live Better Than Husbands
Let me paint the picture for you.
Shahin treats these dogs like royalty. Not your average “good boy” pat on the head royalty. I’m talking full-on Versailles-level pampering.
Their beds? Custom orthopedic mattresses that cost more than my first car.
Their meals? Gourmet organic blends of grass-fed beef and wild-caught salmon. Prepared with the precision of a Michelin-star chef.
Meanwhile, I’m lucky if I get a reheated pizza slice without having to fetch it myself.
The dogs have their own wardrobe:
- Tiny sweaters for winter
- Sun hats for summer strolls
- Halloween costumes Shahin sews by hand
Last year, they dressed as little lawyers, complete with briefcases. I was relegated to “supporting character” in the group photo.
The Attention Economy: Where I Rank Below Two Wiener Dogs
But it’s not just the material spoils. It’s the attention.
Shahin’s obsession with Bentley and Simba is all-consuming. She coos over them like they’re her firstborns.
“Who’s my precious little hunter? Yes, you are!” she’ll say, scratching behind their ears for hours.
If I try to interject with a “Hey, honey, how was your day?” I get a distracted “Shh, not now. Simba’s telling me about his walk.”
Telling her? These dogs don’t talk (thank God). But in Shahin’s world, every yip and tail wag is a profound soliloquy.
Now, you might think, “Come on, man, they’re just dogs. Step up your game.” But oh, dear reader, you underestimate the power of the Dachshund.
These aren’t your run-of-the-mill pooches. Dachshunds (or “wiener dogs”) have classic traits that synergize perfectly with Shahin’s obsession. They’ve turned my home life into an exponential challenge.
It’s like the dogs formed a symbiotic alliance with my wife. Their mission? Keep me on the outside looking in.
Trait #1: Stubbornness That Rivals a Mule
Dachshunds are famously stubborn.
Bred originally in Germany to hunt badgers (hence “Dachs-hund,” meaning badger dog), these little guys have tenacity that rivals a bulldog’s grip.
Bentley, our alpha male (all 12 pounds of him), once refused to move from the center of the bed for an entire evening. He decided it was his spot.
Shahin’s response? Instead of scooping him up, she laughed. “Aww, he’s asserting his boundaries. How empowering!”
Empowering? For a dog?
Meanwhile, if I hog the remote, I’m accused of being “territorial.”
This stubbornness heightens Shahin’s adoration, as she sees it as a “personality.” She spends extra time negotiating with them. Yes, negotiating, like they’re tiny diplomats.
“Bentley darling, if you move over, Mommy will give you a treat.” Treats that, by the way, are imported from a specialty pet bakery in Berlin.
Trait #2: Loyalty That Creates an Unbreakable Bond
Dachshunds bond fiercely with their owners. They often pick one favorite human. They stick to that person like glue.
In our case, that’s Shahin.
Simba follows her everywhere: to the kitchen, the bathroom, even Zoom calls. She props him on her lap like a living accessory.
“He’s my emotional support sausage,” she jokes.
But it’s no joke when I’m trying to have a romantic dinner. I light candles, pour wine, and just as I’m about to whisper sweet nothings, Simba jumps up. He demands belly rubs.
Shahin obliges. Suddenly, our date night turns into a group therapy session for the dog’s “anxiety.”
This loyalty trait compounds the challenge, creating an unbreakable duo. Trying to compete? Futile. It’s like challenging a magnet to let go of steel.
Trait #3: Burrowing Instincts That Claim Every Surface
Don’t get me started on their burrowing instincts.
Dachshunds love to dig and nest. It’s a holdover from their badger-hunting days.
Our couch cushions are perpetually rearranged into doggy forts. The blankets? Forget about it.
Shahin encourages this. She buys them special “burrow blankets” that are softer than Egyptian cotton.
“It satisfies their natural urges,” she explains as if they’re wild wolves instead of pampered pets.
The synergy here is killer: Shahin’s obsession means she not only allows it but also celebrates it.
Last week, I came home from a grueling trial to find the living room looking like a post-apocalyptic bunker. Shahin was giggling on the floor, helping them “build.”
My attempt to tidy up? Met with a stern “You’re disrupting their creativity!”
Creativity? They’re dogs, not architects.
This trait exponentially increases my woes because it turns every surface into dog territory. My favorite armchair? Now a Dachshund den.
Trait #4: Vocal Nature That Hijacks Conversations
Dachshunds are barkers. Loud, persistent, opinionated.
They have a bark that could wake the dead. Often triggered by the slightest provocation: a leaf falling, the mailman, or me entering the room too enthusiastically.
Shahin interprets every bark as a “conversation.” She’ll respond in baby talk: “What is it, Bentley? Is Daddy being too loud again?”
Daddy? That’s me, demoted to third wheel.
This vocal trait complements her obsession, giving the dogs a “voice” in the household. They bark, she responds. I’m left translating dog Morse code just to get a word in edgewise.
It’s exponential because one bark leads to a symphony. Soon, the whole evening is derailed by “interpreting” their needs.
My Quest for Dog Status: A Survival Strategy
So, how does a guy like me fight for crumbs in his own home? A master of the courtroom, where I command attention and sway opinions?
Enter my quest for “Dog Status.” It’s my humorous, half-serious plan to elevate myself to the dogs’ level of adoration.
Step One: Mimic Their Traits
If stubbornness wins points, maybe I can dig in my heels, too.
Last month, I refused to move from the couch during movie night. I claimed it was “my burrow.” Shahin rolled her eyes but eventually brought me a snack. Victory? Sort of.
But then Bentley burrowed under my legs. She cooed over how “cute” we looked together.
Sigh.
Step Two: Exploit Their Loyalty
I’ve started carrying treats in my pockets—dog treats to bribe the pups into liking me more.
But Dachshunds are smart. They take the treat. They scamper back to her—exponential fail.
Instead, I’ve tried joining the pack. Family walks where I carry Simba in a sling (yes, they have slings).
Shahin loves it, calling us her “three boys.”
For a moment, I feel included. Until the dogs demand to be put down, they lead the way, with her trailing adoringly.
Step Three: Embrace the Burrowing
I’ve taken to nesting on the bed with extra pillows. Hoping it’ll spark some cuddle time.
“Look, honey, I’m just like Bentley!” I’ll say.
She laughs. But then the real Bentley shows up and claims the prime spot.
Still, it’s led to some funny moments. Like the time we all piled in for a “family nap.” I got a head pat: crumbs, but tasty ones.
The Deeper Truth Behind the Chaos
Humor aside, there’s a deeper layer here.
Shahin’s obsession with the dogs stems from her big heart. She grew up without pets. Now she’s making up for lost time.
The Dachshunds’ traits (stubborn, loyal, burrowing, vocal) mirror her own personality in quirky ways. She’s stubborn about her passions. Loyal to a fault. She loves to “nest” in cozy spaces. She isn’t afraid to voice her opinions.
Maybe that’s why they click so well.
Me? I’m the straight man in this comedy. Providing the contrast that makes it all shine.
Daily Battles: Mornings, Evenings, and Everything Between
But the challenges are real.
Take mornings: I wake up early, suit up for court, kiss Shahin goodbye. She mumbles something sleepy. Then bolts upright to feed the dogs.
Their breakfast ritual is elaborate. Measuring portions, adding supplements. All while I’m grabbing coffee on the go.
Evenings? I recount my courtroom triumphs. But if Simba yawns, she declares it’s “bedtime for the babies.”
Babies plural. Dogs first.
Vacations: When Romance Takes a Backseat to Wiener Dogs
Vacations are another battlefield.
We once planned a romantic getaway to the Bahamas. Guess who came along? The dogs, of course.
“They can’t be without Mommy,” Shahin insisted.
So there we were, on a beach. Me slathering sunscreen on my pale lawyer skin while she built sandcastles for the pups.
Bentley dug a hole so deep he nearly disappeared. Classic burrowing trait. Shahin applauded like he’d invented fire.
My attempt at a sunset walk? Interrupted by Simba’s bark at a seagull.
Holidays: When Dogs Get VIP Treatment
Holidays amplify everything.
Christmas? The dogs get stockings bigger than mine. Stuffed with toys that squeak incessantly. Shahin wraps their gifts with care. Mine are… functional.
Valentine’s Day? I buy her roses. She buys the dog heart-shaped treats.
Our anniversary? A fancy dinner. But we cut it short because “the babies miss us.”
Finding My Place in the Pack
Yet, in this chaos, I’m finding ways to adapt.
I’ve learned Dachshund lore inside out. From their history as hunters to their propensity for back issues (hence the orthopedic beds).
I’m contemplating a side hustle: a tongue-in-cheek Instagram account chronicling my “quest for Dog Status.”
Posts like “Day 47: Learned to bark for attention. Shahin threw a shoe.”
It has potential. I can see a following. Other husbands in similar predicaments commiserate in the comments.
The exponential synergy of Dachshund traits plus Shahin’s obsession means my challenges grow like compound interest.
One trait alone? Manageable. Altogether, fueled by her love? A hilarious hurricane.
But would I trade it? Nah. This life keeps me humble. Sharpens my wit. Reminds me that even successful attorneys need a reality check.
The Bottom Line: Join the Fun
In the end, achieving Dog Status isn’t about winning. It’s about joining the fun.
Maybe one day I’ll get my own custom bed. Until then, I’ll keep fighting for those crumbs.
Tail wagging all the way.
